Good evening folks.
Actually, it started off as "The Plight of the Assistant Rabbi," but I just could not resist.
The year before the Gorman family moved to Toronto was spent in a job search. Jennifer and I had decided that we were leaving New York. It got to be pretty harrowing not having a position locked in place by March. We were facing me taking an extended trip to Baghdad. During that time, I remember speaking with a potential senior rabbi (and therefore potential boss). He said to me that he would not want an assistant who was content to remain an assistant. Having been both a senior and an assistant, I must disagree with what he said.
I would have been quite content to remain an assistant in my first assistant position. We were all very happy there. The bills were getting paid. We were comfortable in our home. Trust me when I tell you that I had no desire to risk that stability. Senior rabbis and boards should not confuse a desire for stability with a lack of ambition.
Furthermore, congregations that require an assistant usually give that assistant more than enough to do. It is thus quite similar to being a senior. There are decisions. There is teaching. All of the pastoral work is there. If the assistant rabbi has ambition, there is more than enough to satisfy that ambition. Moreover, a rabbi who feels that he/she has a potential future at the congregation will not constantly have one eye on the door.
Last, from the congregation's point of view, a happy assistant rabbi is very important. It avoids bitterness of having to move on when one is not ready to do so. It avoids the potential revolving door. Sometimes congregants want to go where all the rabbis know their name. To send off the assistant after just a few years forces the membership to learn to trust and like someone new. It is not a recipe for successful congregation building.
The advantage to those congregations that will take an assistant for a few years and then shoo him/her out the door is that when the rabbi gets to the next place, no one will look at the rabbi and say that there is no experience. It remains one of those annoying things, that one cannot get a position without experience.
Have a good evening.
R/SCG
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Sharing a Permanent Address
Good morning all...
So I wrote last night that part of being a lover means sharing a permanent address. I deleted one thing prior to posting. I had also written that part of being a lover means sharing a bank account.
Why did I delete that? I am glad you asked that question. Please note: on my rules of marriage, I state that once married, it is no longer "his money" and "her money." Trust your spouse's values and judgment. If you cannot do that with money, you cannot do that with anything else. I believed that when I wrote it. I believe it still.
What brought about my change in thinking? It is a couple of things. The first is spousal abuse. When we think of spousal abuse, we usually think about physical abuse. That is only the tip of the iceberg. Emotional abuse, social abuse, and financial abuse are also part of the package. It is often difficult to predict what people will be after the wedding. As such, to have a bank account handy that a spouse cannot empty is not a bad idea.
As well, the economy is not in the best of conditions. People are losing jobs. People are having trouble making ends meet. I know of one couple in which she lost her job. One of the things they were considering was defaulting on the mortgage. The house was only in her name though. Defaulting on the mortgage would probably damage both credit ratings, but would not do nearly the same level of damage to his as it would to hers. To have one credit rating still somewhat intact means that a credit card can still be had and a home can likely be rented. That involves having separate bank accounts.
Marriage should still render the question of whose money it is moot. However, there are other reasons that perhaps having separate accounts might be necessary.
Have a great day.
R/SCG
So I wrote last night that part of being a lover means sharing a permanent address. I deleted one thing prior to posting. I had also written that part of being a lover means sharing a bank account.
Why did I delete that? I am glad you asked that question. Please note: on my rules of marriage, I state that once married, it is no longer "his money" and "her money." Trust your spouse's values and judgment. If you cannot do that with money, you cannot do that with anything else. I believed that when I wrote it. I believe it still.
What brought about my change in thinking? It is a couple of things. The first is spousal abuse. When we think of spousal abuse, we usually think about physical abuse. That is only the tip of the iceberg. Emotional abuse, social abuse, and financial abuse are also part of the package. It is often difficult to predict what people will be after the wedding. As such, to have a bank account handy that a spouse cannot empty is not a bad idea.
As well, the economy is not in the best of conditions. People are losing jobs. People are having trouble making ends meet. I know of one couple in which she lost her job. One of the things they were considering was defaulting on the mortgage. The house was only in her name though. Defaulting on the mortgage would probably damage both credit ratings, but would not do nearly the same level of damage to his as it would to hers. To have one credit rating still somewhat intact means that a credit card can still be had and a home can likely be rented. That involves having separate bank accounts.
Marriage should still render the question of whose money it is moot. However, there are other reasons that perhaps having separate accounts might be necessary.
Have a great day.
R/SCG
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Lessons from the Walk of Shame
Hi all...
Remember me?
Over the last few days, there has been some commotion at Yeshiva University. Normally, I truly do not care what goes on there. However, this is just too interesting to pass up. For those of you who do not know, one of the student publications published an anonymous article about a pre-marital sexual encounter. If I am reading the article correctly, it is also her first time. You can find the article at http://yubeacon.com/2011/12/the__written_word/how-do-i-even-begin-to-explain-this/. It is not brilliant writing. It is real though. The poor young lady states at the end that the only thing she learned from the whole encounter is how to do the walk of shame the next morning. She should go back and reread her article. She has learned a great many important lessons.
She writes that the two of them consumed a fair amount of beer prior to the festivities, and that it helped her shut off her conscience.
Lesson #1: if one requires beer to do something that one would not do while sober, it is probably best not to do it drunk either.
She writes that "between the fumbling, the pain, the pleasure, I convince myself that I’ve learned how to make love."
Lesson #2: learning to make love is something we do with only one person. Having sex will only teach mechanics. Making love means that we also know how to talk to our lover. It means that we know how to touch our lover. It means that we have taken the time to know and care about the person sharing a bed with us.
She writes that "cuddling with him that night, I tell him how much he means to me, but I know I can’t tell him I love him."
Lesson #3: learning to make love requires love.
She writes that she gets dressed the next day and hails him a cab before walking back to the university cafeteria.
Lesson #4: making love has a tender goodbye the next morning. It involves putting a little note into a backpack that the lover will likely see during the day. It involves some expectation that the lovers will see each other again that evening.
This whole encounter takes place in a hotel.
Lesson #5: lovers can enjoy the comforts of a hotel. In fact, they should. But lovers do not share only a bedroom. They share a living room. They share a kitchen. They share a permanent mailing address. Without that long-term commitment , the lady in the article has only worked on the mechanics.
Lesson #6: lovers have no need to hide what they are doing. People assume it. It goes hand-in-hand with lesson #5.
While not stated in the article, I must assume that the couple used some protection.
Lesson #7: lovers worry less about protection. They thrill for the moment, and its meaning in the hour. They are hopeful about the results, and not worried about the "risk."
The author of the article will likely suffer from no small amount of guilt that will follow her at least until her wedding day. I hope she does not. She is human. She has just learned a very adult set of lessons at a very young age. One does not need to feel guilt over mistakes. One only need not repeat them.
Good night to all.
R/SCG
Remember me?
Over the last few days, there has been some commotion at Yeshiva University. Normally, I truly do not care what goes on there. However, this is just too interesting to pass up. For those of you who do not know, one of the student publications published an anonymous article about a pre-marital sexual encounter. If I am reading the article correctly, it is also her first time. You can find the article at http://yubeacon.com/2011/12/the__written_word/how-do-i-even-begin-to-explain-this/. It is not brilliant writing. It is real though. The poor young lady states at the end that the only thing she learned from the whole encounter is how to do the walk of shame the next morning. She should go back and reread her article. She has learned a great many important lessons.
She writes that the two of them consumed a fair amount of beer prior to the festivities, and that it helped her shut off her conscience.
Lesson #1: if one requires beer to do something that one would not do while sober, it is probably best not to do it drunk either.
She writes that "between the fumbling, the pain, the pleasure, I convince myself that I’ve learned how to make love."
Lesson #2: learning to make love is something we do with only one person. Having sex will only teach mechanics. Making love means that we also know how to talk to our lover. It means that we know how to touch our lover. It means that we have taken the time to know and care about the person sharing a bed with us.
She writes that "cuddling with him that night, I tell him how much he means to me, but I know I can’t tell him I love him."
Lesson #3: learning to make love requires love.
She writes that she gets dressed the next day and hails him a cab before walking back to the university cafeteria.
Lesson #4: making love has a tender goodbye the next morning. It involves putting a little note into a backpack that the lover will likely see during the day. It involves some expectation that the lovers will see each other again that evening.
This whole encounter takes place in a hotel.
Lesson #5: lovers can enjoy the comforts of a hotel. In fact, they should. But lovers do not share only a bedroom. They share a living room. They share a kitchen. They share a permanent mailing address. Without that long-term commitment , the lady in the article has only worked on the mechanics.
Lesson #6: lovers have no need to hide what they are doing. People assume it. It goes hand-in-hand with lesson #5.
While not stated in the article, I must assume that the couple used some protection.
Lesson #7: lovers worry less about protection. They thrill for the moment, and its meaning in the hour. They are hopeful about the results, and not worried about the "risk."
The author of the article will likely suffer from no small amount of guilt that will follow her at least until her wedding day. I hope she does not. She is human. She has just learned a very adult set of lessons at a very young age. One does not need to feel guilt over mistakes. One only need not repeat them.
Good night to all.
R/SCG
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
I Wear Three Hats
About three years ago, I attended a panel discussion at the Royal Military College of Canada. The panel consisted of a senior Naval officer and former ship commander, a Catholic theologian, and an international lawyer. The subject of discussion was juris bellum - just war. When is it legal to go to war? What are the rules when it happens. The ship commander at one point in his career avoided shooting down a civilian jetliner only because the missile failed to launch. The plane identified itself after he had given the order to fire.
I found that while listening to these men that I had very little time for the lawyer. It seemed that he had no experience seeing the effects of potential legal decisions in combat operations. It is so easy to open a book and see how the law applies. To apply those books in real time, when bullets are flying and lives are at stake, is simply not a task for the faint of heart.
It is with that in mind that I don the first of my hats. This hat is my military cover. I am a naval officer. I have affirmed an oath to support and protect the Constitution of the United States. This hat says two things to me right now. We do not leave a soldier in the field - ever. It is an issue of honour that those whom we send to advance the Nation's policies must go with the security that the Nation is not just using them as tools. Whether or not my country will do its utmost to rescue me or those for whom I am responsible has direct relation to the level of risk I expect any Sailor, Marine, or Soldier to take. On the other hand, those of us who have affirmed the oath of office or the oath of enlistment affirmed that oath knowing the risks. We would never want our captivity to be treated as a political tool by the enemy. As well, we would not want our our freedom to place the Nation's security at increased risk due to the price tag of securing our release. This issue is not black and white.
And so I switch to my second hat. This is my kippah. This is the Rabbi speaking. Oddly enough, the military issues are not different from the Rabbinic issues. The Mishnah in Gitin (Page 45a) already tells us that we do not redeem a captive for more than his/her worth. The discussions of this issue throughout the ages come back to what the community can afford, whether or not the payment to redeem the captive encourages others to kidnap as well, and the like. The Rabbis are quite divided. As a Nation, we need to tell our people that we will work for their safe return. We also need not to sacrifice the security of a nation in the process. This issue is also not black and white.
And so I turn to my third hat. I am a father. I have taken several looks at the picture of Gilad Shalit hugging his father Noam. Even now, after five or six looks, I have a lump in my throat looking at it. I cannot imagine the mental torture that Gilad's parents must have endured over the last five years. I do not want to imagine it. The quiet dignity they maintained over the time of their son's imprisonment would probably defy most of our abilities. There is nothing morally, politically, or militarily ambiguous here.
My first hat and my second hat are desperately seeking black and white in a situation that dwells squarely in the gray. My third hat is black and white. When the decisions for a nation are so difficult, then we must make decisions for a family and for a person. I congratulate Prime Minister Netanyahu for navigating this awful decision. I congratulate the country of Israel for understanding some small piece of the black and white.
A final word: the Mishnah in Pirkei Avot 1:7 reads as follows: "Nitai the Arbelite says: keep far from an evil neighbour. Do not become friends with a wicked person. Believe in karma." We are stuck living close to an evil neighbour. We will not become friends, and should not be encouraged to do so. The Palestinian enemy (no longer dignified with a name) in Gaza must realize that those who behave with an utter lack of humanity will often see their own behaviour imitated by those who suffer under their oppressive thumb.
I found that while listening to these men that I had very little time for the lawyer. It seemed that he had no experience seeing the effects of potential legal decisions in combat operations. It is so easy to open a book and see how the law applies. To apply those books in real time, when bullets are flying and lives are at stake, is simply not a task for the faint of heart.
It is with that in mind that I don the first of my hats. This hat is my military cover. I am a naval officer. I have affirmed an oath to support and protect the Constitution of the United States. This hat says two things to me right now. We do not leave a soldier in the field - ever. It is an issue of honour that those whom we send to advance the Nation's policies must go with the security that the Nation is not just using them as tools. Whether or not my country will do its utmost to rescue me or those for whom I am responsible has direct relation to the level of risk I expect any Sailor, Marine, or Soldier to take. On the other hand, those of us who have affirmed the oath of office or the oath of enlistment affirmed that oath knowing the risks. We would never want our captivity to be treated as a political tool by the enemy. As well, we would not want our our freedom to place the Nation's security at increased risk due to the price tag of securing our release. This issue is not black and white.
And so I switch to my second hat. This is my kippah. This is the Rabbi speaking. Oddly enough, the military issues are not different from the Rabbinic issues. The Mishnah in Gitin (Page 45a) already tells us that we do not redeem a captive for more than his/her worth. The discussions of this issue throughout the ages come back to what the community can afford, whether or not the payment to redeem the captive encourages others to kidnap as well, and the like. The Rabbis are quite divided. As a Nation, we need to tell our people that we will work for their safe return. We also need not to sacrifice the security of a nation in the process. This issue is also not black and white.
And so I turn to my third hat. I am a father. I have taken several looks at the picture of Gilad Shalit hugging his father Noam. Even now, after five or six looks, I have a lump in my throat looking at it. I cannot imagine the mental torture that Gilad's parents must have endured over the last five years. I do not want to imagine it. The quiet dignity they maintained over the time of their son's imprisonment would probably defy most of our abilities. There is nothing morally, politically, or militarily ambiguous here.
My first hat and my second hat are desperately seeking black and white in a situation that dwells squarely in the gray. My third hat is black and white. When the decisions for a nation are so difficult, then we must make decisions for a family and for a person. I congratulate Prime Minister Netanyahu for navigating this awful decision. I congratulate the country of Israel for understanding some small piece of the black and white.
A final word: the Mishnah in Pirkei Avot 1:7 reads as follows: "Nitai the Arbelite says: keep far from an evil neighbour. Do not become friends with a wicked person. Believe in karma." We are stuck living close to an evil neighbour. We will not become friends, and should not be encouraged to do so. The Palestinian enemy (no longer dignified with a name) in Gaza must realize that those who behave with an utter lack of humanity will often see their own behaviour imitated by those who suffer under their oppressive thumb.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
No Specific Title
So just for the record, it is possible. It is possible to have a complete Rosh HaShanah service, accomplish all of the requirements, and still be home in time for lunch. We started at 8:30 on both days. 1st day, we finished at 12:25. On 2nd day, we were done by 12:10.
I do not understand why people do it. The three days of the year that the liturgy is most difficult to decipher, people come to services to hear the cantor chant said liturgy in tunes that are often only used during those three days. No, thank you.
While I am not bragging about the finish time, there is a point to be made. The point is not to drag out that which does not require it. Services can be completed, in a reasonable amount of time, in a manner that is enjoyable, and in such a way that all of the requirements are met or exceeded.
Maybe I am bragging a little.
Have a good day everyone.
I do not understand why people do it. The three days of the year that the liturgy is most difficult to decipher, people come to services to hear the cantor chant said liturgy in tunes that are often only used during those three days. No, thank you.
While I am not bragging about the finish time, there is a point to be made. The point is not to drag out that which does not require it. Services can be completed, in a reasonable amount of time, in a manner that is enjoyable, and in such a way that all of the requirements are met or exceeded.
Maybe I am bragging a little.
Have a good day everyone.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
The Pursuit of Justice
Top of the evening.
The Jerusalem Post reports today that the long-awaited and oft-delayed Palmer report is to be released on Friday. I will believe it when I see it. The reason for the delay is that publication of the report will force both Israel and Turkey into more-hardened positions, thus preventing any rapprochement. The report is expected to confirm that Israel is upholding a legal blockade, that boarding the ship was legal, that those on board the ship were looking for a fight, that they were backed by the Turkish government, that Israel's internal investigation upheld the highest standards, and that Turkey's internal investigation did not. The report is also expected to conclude that Israel used excessive force.
As regards the last point, I have not read the report. I can tell you that the most dangerous military operation is the seizing of a ship at sea. The first man on board is in extreme danger until a safe area can be secured. When you realize the basic danger of that operation, it is also worth it to remember Field Marshal Moltke's rule that a battle plan never survives first contact with the enemy. I will thus not be the "Monday morning quarterback."
Turkey has stated that it will not accept the report, despite the presence of one of its own citizens on the committee, and despite the international reputation of Geoffrey Palmer.
The title of this entry is "The Pursuit of Justice." It comes from this week's Torah portion - "Justice justice shall you pursue." Justice has been pursued. Justice has been pursued in a world forum not known for much more than tolerating Israel's existence. Part of this pursuit of justice is that you might not like what comes back. That does not make a proper conclusion any less just. For Turkey to reject the conclusion of this committee is an open statement that the pursuit of justice is not as important a goal as the gutting of a neighbouring country.
Israel should not apologize. She did nothing wrong. Turkey should apologize, for incitement, for supporting an act of war, for placing civilians in the line of fire, for blaming Israel before any of the facts were in, for conducting its own sham investigation, and for rejecting a conclusion that is not to its liking.
Good night.
R/SCG
The Jerusalem Post reports today that the long-awaited and oft-delayed Palmer report is to be released on Friday. I will believe it when I see it. The reason for the delay is that publication of the report will force both Israel and Turkey into more-hardened positions, thus preventing any rapprochement. The report is expected to confirm that Israel is upholding a legal blockade, that boarding the ship was legal, that those on board the ship were looking for a fight, that they were backed by the Turkish government, that Israel's internal investigation upheld the highest standards, and that Turkey's internal investigation did not. The report is also expected to conclude that Israel used excessive force.
As regards the last point, I have not read the report. I can tell you that the most dangerous military operation is the seizing of a ship at sea. The first man on board is in extreme danger until a safe area can be secured. When you realize the basic danger of that operation, it is also worth it to remember Field Marshal Moltke's rule that a battle plan never survives first contact with the enemy. I will thus not be the "Monday morning quarterback."
Turkey has stated that it will not accept the report, despite the presence of one of its own citizens on the committee, and despite the international reputation of Geoffrey Palmer.
The title of this entry is "The Pursuit of Justice." It comes from this week's Torah portion - "Justice justice shall you pursue." Justice has been pursued. Justice has been pursued in a world forum not known for much more than tolerating Israel's existence. Part of this pursuit of justice is that you might not like what comes back. That does not make a proper conclusion any less just. For Turkey to reject the conclusion of this committee is an open statement that the pursuit of justice is not as important a goal as the gutting of a neighbouring country.
Israel should not apologize. She did nothing wrong. Turkey should apologize, for incitement, for supporting an act of war, for placing civilians in the line of fire, for blaming Israel before any of the facts were in, for conducting its own sham investigation, and for rejecting a conclusion that is not to its liking.
Good night.
R/SCG
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Random Musings
Hi all...
Remember me?
I have two matters I would like to share with you.
Jennifer and I spent the week up at Camp Ramah. Normally, we go up there to teach. However, the summer is winding down. We organized the library, went through the ever-growing pile of old tallitot and tefillin, and buried some old materials that had served their purpose. In the piles of stuff, we found 3.5 sets of remarkably high-quality tefillin, as well as another three sets of medium-quality tefillin. The three sets of high-quality are each worth no less than $500, and probably a fair amount more. The medium-quality sets would probably go for about $375.
1. Parents, when you send your kids to camp with tefillin, buy an inexpensive set. It is nowhere near as much a financial loss.
2. Parents, take one of those clothing labels that we all buy for camp and stitch it to the inside of the tefillin bag.
3. If Jesse were to leave tefillin of that quality at camp, I promise that he would be on the bus back up there to find them.
On the half set, there was one that only had the hand tefillin. I do not know what happened to the head. Camp was ever so kind as to give that to me. It is quite helpful. We have a set of kosher parshiyot for the head. We will need ot get the sofer to make a bayit for it, but that should not cost too much.
In another matter, researchers at Tel Aviv have made the scurrilous attempts at boycott even more difficult to sustain. They have developed a series of four chemical formulations that can detect whether a drink has been spiked by any of the four date rape drugs. They are working now on the means of being able to communicate that information via SMS to a cell phone. At this point, the drinks will change colour if the drugs are detected. As a father of a young lady and of two young men, I am thankful for such an invention.
Those darned Israelis...it really makes one wonder what people might be able to produce if they were more caught up in solving the world's problems instead of causing bloodshed.
It is an important piece of Halakhah for me that Jewish tradition defines handedness by writing and not by how we wield a weapon.
Have a wonderful day.
R/SCG
Remember me?
I have two matters I would like to share with you.
Jennifer and I spent the week up at Camp Ramah. Normally, we go up there to teach. However, the summer is winding down. We organized the library, went through the ever-growing pile of old tallitot and tefillin, and buried some old materials that had served their purpose. In the piles of stuff, we found 3.5 sets of remarkably high-quality tefillin, as well as another three sets of medium-quality tefillin. The three sets of high-quality are each worth no less than $500, and probably a fair amount more. The medium-quality sets would probably go for about $375.
1. Parents, when you send your kids to camp with tefillin, buy an inexpensive set. It is nowhere near as much a financial loss.
2. Parents, take one of those clothing labels that we all buy for camp and stitch it to the inside of the tefillin bag.
3. If Jesse were to leave tefillin of that quality at camp, I promise that he would be on the bus back up there to find them.
On the half set, there was one that only had the hand tefillin. I do not know what happened to the head. Camp was ever so kind as to give that to me. It is quite helpful. We have a set of kosher parshiyot for the head. We will need ot get the sofer to make a bayit for it, but that should not cost too much.
In another matter, researchers at Tel Aviv have made the scurrilous attempts at boycott even more difficult to sustain. They have developed a series of four chemical formulations that can detect whether a drink has been spiked by any of the four date rape drugs. They are working now on the means of being able to communicate that information via SMS to a cell phone. At this point, the drinks will change colour if the drugs are detected. As a father of a young lady and of two young men, I am thankful for such an invention.
Those darned Israelis...it really makes one wonder what people might be able to produce if they were more caught up in solving the world's problems instead of causing bloodshed.
It is an important piece of Halakhah for me that Jewish tradition defines handedness by writing and not by how we wield a weapon.
Have a wonderful day.
R/SCG
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