It has been a strange weekend. I am not at liberty to go into the details, but it has left me feeling philosophical.
Please note: at no time should you infer anything about my health. I promise you that I am quite healthy, and see no indication of that changing.
I started writing letters yesterday. These are letters to my kids and to Jennifer. I intend to type them out, and then video them. It is my sincere hope to update those letters yearly. I wish I could do it by hand. The fact is that to hold a pen and endeavour mightily to produce penmanship that anyone can read has always been painful. I may do one paragraph by hand a day until the task is finished. The letters will be put in the safe downstairs.
In the meantime, "life's...a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage" (Macbeth, Act V). We do not know how long our hour is. Neither do we know how that hour draws to a close. It might draw to a close like a light switch, or like a dimmer. What I do know is that those who survive us quite naturally will remember our closing days more easily than our full lives. When my time comes, I want my wife and my kids to know that my life with them is so much more than the naturally self-centered way in which we all depart. I want them to know that if I lose my memory and cannot recognize or communicate, that any inability is insignificant as compared to their roles in my life.
So I am writing down my memories of who they have been as they grew up. These stories have been funny and poignant. I have learned some about the kids in the process of writing.
I recommend everyone consider doing this. It is not too late, but it can be rather quickly. Our last words to those important to us should not be about who gets the china and how to divide out the sale of the house.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
The Original Rules of Marriage.
I want to thank DKW for asking me nicely to post my other rules of marriage. Even if you have seen them in the past, they are worth rereading. By the way, there has been at least one significant addition in the last month.
1. Marriage is not 50/50. It is 100/100. You are each 100% responsible for the success of your marriage.
2. Do not go somewhere to find a spouse if you would not want your children hanging out there.
3. Take 30 minutes with your spouse every day. “Date night” is also critical, especially after you become parents.
4. One rose 12 times will speak more loudly than 12 roses once. Remember the little things. Do them often.
5. Call, text, or e-mail your spouse from work once a day, just to say hello.
6. When you get married, you can no longer be single. Act married. This means the following:
a. Most of your friends should be married people.
b. Do married things. This means not hanging out in bars. See #2.
c. Your parents are now second on the priority list.
d. In a conflict between your spouse and your parents, your spouse always wins. This holds true even if you disagree with your spouse.
e. Once you’ve made the decision to be married, act married. Engagement is not your last chance to sow wild oats.
7. Never put yourself in a situation where your honour or integrity might be called into question.
8. Never let anyone call your spouse’s honour into question. Your spouse always gets your trust. No one is ever allowed to say anything bad about your spouse.
9. Talk about your spouse with respect and love. Do not make jokes about your spouse. This holds when your spouse is present, and when your spouse is not present. Talk to your spouse with respect.
10. When you get married, it is no longer “his money” and “her money.” The money belongs to both of you. Trust the values that you and your spouse share enough to trust your spouse with the money. Inability to trust your spouse with money is a sign of much deeper problems.
11. Arguments are a normal part of marriage. It is not okay to bring all the past misdeeds. A matter forgiven is a matter ignored. It does not matter who wins or loses an argument. It matters that you are both equal partners.
12. Say three nice things to your spouse every day. You should also flirt with your spouse. Do not let your conversations focus only on who is driving carpool.
13. Your religious values and beliefs are more important to you than you realize. Think carefully about those values and beliefs. Choose a spouse who shares them.
14. Laugh and sing together.
15. Never, ever use the “d” word. Do not joke about it. Do not threaten it. Never let it enter your mind, and you will always find other ways to solve problems.
16. Making love is a vital part of your marriage. Set time aside for making love. Set enough time aside for more than just a “quickie.” Experiment. Have fun. Do not be perfunctory. Whipped cream has uses beyond the kitchen. Pornography is visual adultery.
17. We purchase starter homes. There is no such thing as a “starter marriage.”
18. Your spouse should know your status prior to your facebook friends. Your spouse should know more about your status than your facebook friends.
19. If either one of you thinks you need marriage counseling, seek marriage counseling. Your spouse’s opinions deserve consideration even if you disagree.
20. Your spouse cannot read your mind. Tell your spouse what you are thinking. You cannot read your spouse's mind. Ask.
21. Good spouses are not born. They are made. Trust your belief in the raw ingredients in being the foundation of the person your spouse will be and will become.
1. Marriage is not 50/50. It is 100/100. You are each 100% responsible for the success of your marriage.
2. Do not go somewhere to find a spouse if you would not want your children hanging out there.
3. Take 30 minutes with your spouse every day. “Date night” is also critical, especially after you become parents.
4. One rose 12 times will speak more loudly than 12 roses once. Remember the little things. Do them often.
5. Call, text, or e-mail your spouse from work once a day, just to say hello.
6. When you get married, you can no longer be single. Act married. This means the following:
a. Most of your friends should be married people.
b. Do married things. This means not hanging out in bars. See #2.
c. Your parents are now second on the priority list.
d. In a conflict between your spouse and your parents, your spouse always wins. This holds true even if you disagree with your spouse.
e. Once you’ve made the decision to be married, act married. Engagement is not your last chance to sow wild oats.
7. Never put yourself in a situation where your honour or integrity might be called into question.
8. Never let anyone call your spouse’s honour into question. Your spouse always gets your trust. No one is ever allowed to say anything bad about your spouse.
9. Talk about your spouse with respect and love. Do not make jokes about your spouse. This holds when your spouse is present, and when your spouse is not present. Talk to your spouse with respect.
10. When you get married, it is no longer “his money” and “her money.” The money belongs to both of you. Trust the values that you and your spouse share enough to trust your spouse with the money. Inability to trust your spouse with money is a sign of much deeper problems.
11. Arguments are a normal part of marriage. It is not okay to bring all the past misdeeds. A matter forgiven is a matter ignored. It does not matter who wins or loses an argument. It matters that you are both equal partners.
12. Say three nice things to your spouse every day. You should also flirt with your spouse. Do not let your conversations focus only on who is driving carpool.
13. Your religious values and beliefs are more important to you than you realize. Think carefully about those values and beliefs. Choose a spouse who shares them.
14. Laugh and sing together.
15. Never, ever use the “d” word. Do not joke about it. Do not threaten it. Never let it enter your mind, and you will always find other ways to solve problems.
16. Making love is a vital part of your marriage. Set time aside for making love. Set enough time aside for more than just a “quickie.” Experiment. Have fun. Do not be perfunctory. Whipped cream has uses beyond the kitchen. Pornography is visual adultery.
17. We purchase starter homes. There is no such thing as a “starter marriage.”
18. Your spouse should know your status prior to your facebook friends. Your spouse should know more about your status than your facebook friends.
19. If either one of you thinks you need marriage counseling, seek marriage counseling. Your spouse’s opinions deserve consideration even if you disagree.
20. Your spouse cannot read your mind. Tell your spouse what you are thinking. You cannot read your spouse's mind. Ask.
21. Good spouses are not born. They are made. Trust your belief in the raw ingredients in being the foundation of the person your spouse will be and will become.
Chaplain Gorman’s Rules for a Successful Military Marriage - Deployment
Good evening all.
Many of you are familiar with my "Rules of Marriage." I send it around every once in a while. It has undergone some revision since I am here. I have also written a new one specifically focused on the military. I would like to thank Rav Jen and my mother for their input. Since most of you have seen my original "Rules of Marriage," I will not post that document unless someone asks very nicely.
Feel free to comment. I will likely place some of my own notes in between.
1. Marriage is not 50/50. It is 100/100. You are each 100% responsible for the success of your marriage.
2. Take 30 minutes with your spouse every day. It may not seem like much, but you will think of nothing else in the middle of a deployment.
Remarkably true.
3. Plant little notes around the house before you leave. Plant notes in the luggage before departure. Do not pack the cat.
Jennifer filled my luggage with tootsie rolls. I was finding them for days. The world is a notably better place with kosher supervision for tootsie rolls.
4. Call, text, or e-mail your spouse every day. Use skype when you can. Send pictures. Do this especially if you have been out on a patrol or if the command has had to shut down the internet. Even with the internet, the handwritten word has value in this world. Send letters home. Keep a dummy e-mail account. That is the one you use when you write an angry, frustrated e-mail. Having a dummy e-mail account allows you the catharsis of hitting the ‘send’ button without causing distress to your spouse. If you are going to be “outside the wire,” do not compromise operational security in letting your spouse know. Remember: as much as your spouse wants to know, your spouse does not want you to compromise the mission. Your spouse understands that your life, as well as the life of your unit, depends on operational security. Make contact as soon as possible upon return, before taking a shower.
We have been pretty good. We skype almost daily. There is plenty of e-mail. We have had no issues of operational security, although I have a list of code words that I will send home immediately if that changes. We have not done spectacularly with the written word, although Gavi sent me a postcard.
5. Talk about your spouse with respect and love. Joke with your spouse. Never joke about your spouse.
6. You are on deployment. Whether you like it or not, the chequebook must stay at home. Trust your spouse with the math and with the details. You have to.
This was difficult. Jennifer can handle a chequebook. However, it had been my responsibility since we moved to Toronto five and a half years ago. It was difficult to let it go.
7. The six weeks prior to and the six weeks after deployment are the hardest times in a military marriage. Fighting is a normal part of gearing up for a deployment. It is easier to be openly angry than it is to be openly sad. It is easier to be angry than to realize that the “rules” of your marriage have shifted during the separation. Decide in advance how to handle these “quarrels.” Remember that these are quarrels from sadness, and not from anger.
8. Plan your return. You should plan together, and you both should plan little surprises.
At this point, my plans have gotten me as far as unpacking. I need to think about this more.
9. You can flirt with your spouse even from a distance of 10,000 miles. Do so. Write an erotic note or letter. Use graphic, but clean language. “Erotic” and “pornographic” are not the same thing. Be romantic. Even when apart, spouses should continue to be lovers.
I have no comment here. A gentleman never writes and tells.
10. Remember that spouses need physical contact. Even stepping on a toe accidentally is a reminder that you share a life. Absence of that contact can be a sub-conscious source of insecurity. You need to make up for the lack of direct contact any way you can. One of the joys of the internet is that you can send flowers. Do so. From home, send food to the field, as well as other little odds and ends.
I have sent flowers, once. It is getting to be time to do that again. This has not been one of my strengths anyway, but I am trying.
11. Write notes to your kids. They miss you too. Tell them what you are doing. They are interested. Listen to what they are doing. They want you to be part of their lives as much as possible.
We have been very good here. Outside of the fact that Gavi really needs me to wrestle him into submission, the contact has been fantastic.
12. Never put yourself in a situation where your honour or integrity might be called into question.
13. The old adage of “what happens on deployment stays on deployment” should never have existed. In this day of incurable, fatal, and highly contagious diseases, that adage really needs to go away. Remember rule #12 as written above.
14. Those of you who are home: your spouse is carrying a 50-pound pack, a weapon, and a huge amount of responsibility. Please do not assume that the spouse can come back and readjust overnight.
Those of you who are deployed: while you were away, your spouse got kids up every day, changed the oil on the car, had a really bizarre incident with the iron, changed the kitty litter, and did everything else that goes into running a home alone. Do not assume that just because you were carrying a 50-pound pack, a weapon, and a huge amount of responsibility means that your spouse did not work very hard also.
Many of you are familiar with my "Rules of Marriage." I send it around every once in a while. It has undergone some revision since I am here. I have also written a new one specifically focused on the military. I would like to thank Rav Jen and my mother for their input. Since most of you have seen my original "Rules of Marriage," I will not post that document unless someone asks very nicely.
Feel free to comment. I will likely place some of my own notes in between.
1. Marriage is not 50/50. It is 100/100. You are each 100% responsible for the success of your marriage.
2. Take 30 minutes with your spouse every day. It may not seem like much, but you will think of nothing else in the middle of a deployment.
Remarkably true.
3. Plant little notes around the house before you leave. Plant notes in the luggage before departure. Do not pack the cat.
Jennifer filled my luggage with tootsie rolls. I was finding them for days. The world is a notably better place with kosher supervision for tootsie rolls.
4. Call, text, or e-mail your spouse every day. Use skype when you can. Send pictures. Do this especially if you have been out on a patrol or if the command has had to shut down the internet. Even with the internet, the handwritten word has value in this world. Send letters home. Keep a dummy e-mail account. That is the one you use when you write an angry, frustrated e-mail. Having a dummy e-mail account allows you the catharsis of hitting the ‘send’ button without causing distress to your spouse. If you are going to be “outside the wire,” do not compromise operational security in letting your spouse know. Remember: as much as your spouse wants to know, your spouse does not want you to compromise the mission. Your spouse understands that your life, as well as the life of your unit, depends on operational security. Make contact as soon as possible upon return, before taking a shower.
We have been pretty good. We skype almost daily. There is plenty of e-mail. We have had no issues of operational security, although I have a list of code words that I will send home immediately if that changes. We have not done spectacularly with the written word, although Gavi sent me a postcard.
5. Talk about your spouse with respect and love. Joke with your spouse. Never joke about your spouse.
6. You are on deployment. Whether you like it or not, the chequebook must stay at home. Trust your spouse with the math and with the details. You have to.
This was difficult. Jennifer can handle a chequebook. However, it had been my responsibility since we moved to Toronto five and a half years ago. It was difficult to let it go.
7. The six weeks prior to and the six weeks after deployment are the hardest times in a military marriage. Fighting is a normal part of gearing up for a deployment. It is easier to be openly angry than it is to be openly sad. It is easier to be angry than to realize that the “rules” of your marriage have shifted during the separation. Decide in advance how to handle these “quarrels.” Remember that these are quarrels from sadness, and not from anger.
8. Plan your return. You should plan together, and you both should plan little surprises.
At this point, my plans have gotten me as far as unpacking. I need to think about this more.
9. You can flirt with your spouse even from a distance of 10,000 miles. Do so. Write an erotic note or letter. Use graphic, but clean language. “Erotic” and “pornographic” are not the same thing. Be romantic. Even when apart, spouses should continue to be lovers.
I have no comment here. A gentleman never writes and tells.
10. Remember that spouses need physical contact. Even stepping on a toe accidentally is a reminder that you share a life. Absence of that contact can be a sub-conscious source of insecurity. You need to make up for the lack of direct contact any way you can. One of the joys of the internet is that you can send flowers. Do so. From home, send food to the field, as well as other little odds and ends.
I have sent flowers, once. It is getting to be time to do that again. This has not been one of my strengths anyway, but I am trying.
11. Write notes to your kids. They miss you too. Tell them what you are doing. They are interested. Listen to what they are doing. They want you to be part of their lives as much as possible.
We have been very good here. Outside of the fact that Gavi really needs me to wrestle him into submission, the contact has been fantastic.
12. Never put yourself in a situation where your honour or integrity might be called into question.
13. The old adage of “what happens on deployment stays on deployment” should never have existed. In this day of incurable, fatal, and highly contagious diseases, that adage really needs to go away. Remember rule #12 as written above.
14. Those of you who are home: your spouse is carrying a 50-pound pack, a weapon, and a huge amount of responsibility. Please do not assume that the spouse can come back and readjust overnight.
Those of you who are deployed: while you were away, your spouse got kids up every day, changed the oil on the car, had a really bizarre incident with the iron, changed the kitty litter, and did everything else that goes into running a home alone. Do not assume that just because you were carrying a 50-pound pack, a weapon, and a huge amount of responsibility means that your spouse did not work very hard also.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Unscripted Movie Scenes
Four movie scenes come to mind that were not in the original scripts. The first is from 'Raiders of the Lost Ark.' Early in the movie, we find Indiana Jones running around Cairo trying to find Marian, who has just been kidnapped by hired goons. Suddenly, the crowd clears. There is a man with a rather large scimitar doing all sorts of sword gymnastics. Indiana Jones just shoots him.
The next is from 'My Cousin Vinny.' Marisa Tomei's character is complaining about her 'biological clock tick tick ticking.' She stomps her foot on the deck as she says it. You can see Joe Pesci hold back a chuckle.
The third is from 'When Harry Met Sally.' In the beginning of the movie, Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan are talking in the car. He is eating grapes. He spits out a seed onto the closed window. He turns to her and says "I'll open the window."
The last is from 'Sleepless in Seattle.' Everyone is sitting around the table talking about crying at movies. Tom Hanks says that men do not really do that, but then says that he cried at the end of "The Dirty Dozen." The next two minutes are completely unscripted.
With that introduction, I must tell you all that I like 'chick flicks.' Last night, I watched "Shall We Dance" with Richard Gere, Jennifer Lopez, and Susan Sarandon. Towards the end of the movie, he comes up the escalator and hands a rose to Susan Sarandon. The two women who work for Susan Sarandon were crying. I have to admit that I got misty-eyed.
I elected to check the movie out of the library today, so that I could watch it without the editor's cuts. The same thing happened at the same scene in the movie.
I really like a happily-ever-after romantic comedy, particularly where no one even flirts with the idea of doing something to violate the marital vows.
The next is from 'My Cousin Vinny.' Marisa Tomei's character is complaining about her 'biological clock tick tick ticking.' She stomps her foot on the deck as she says it. You can see Joe Pesci hold back a chuckle.
The third is from 'When Harry Met Sally.' In the beginning of the movie, Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan are talking in the car. He is eating grapes. He spits out a seed onto the closed window. He turns to her and says "I'll open the window."
The last is from 'Sleepless in Seattle.' Everyone is sitting around the table talking about crying at movies. Tom Hanks says that men do not really do that, but then says that he cried at the end of "The Dirty Dozen." The next two minutes are completely unscripted.
With that introduction, I must tell you all that I like 'chick flicks.' Last night, I watched "Shall We Dance" with Richard Gere, Jennifer Lopez, and Susan Sarandon. Towards the end of the movie, he comes up the escalator and hands a rose to Susan Sarandon. The two women who work for Susan Sarandon were crying. I have to admit that I got misty-eyed.
I elected to check the movie out of the library today, so that I could watch it without the editor's cuts. The same thing happened at the same scene in the movie.
I really like a happily-ever-after romantic comedy, particularly where no one even flirts with the idea of doing something to violate the marital vows.
Echoing My Bride
When I went to summer camp in 1984, we took a day trip to New York City. We were only about two hours away. I remember the bus ride into Manhattan. I was humming Debbie Friedman's 'Oseh Shalom' to myself. I had just learned, and could not get it out of my head. It remains my favourite. We have worked very hard at the Pride both Erev Shabbat and at Shabbat Mincah to be able to sing with the counterpoint harmony, and we usually get it right. As well, we have put a variation on Debbie Friedman's 'Mi Shebeirakh' into our Shabbat morning service.
The Jerusalem Talmud in chapter 3 of Moed Katan teaches us that when we cite the words of our teachers, their lips quiver in the grave. Debbie Friedman's influence in the world of North American Jewish music will keep her lips quivering for millennia.
May her memory be for a blessing.
The Jerusalem Talmud in chapter 3 of Moed Katan teaches us that when we cite the words of our teachers, their lips quiver in the grave. Debbie Friedman's influence in the world of North American Jewish music will keep her lips quivering for millennia.
May her memory be for a blessing.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
More Musings and Amusings
Hi all....
It is Friday afternoon. I have to change clothes for services. I have to say Minchah. I have some other things to do. Naturally, I am typing to you.
I believe it is incumbent on all clergy to assist anyone in seeking that which is holy. I have reached the conclusion though that sometimes this is not a good idea. For example, the sharp piece of metal that made my bicycle tire holy I would rather not have found.
Many of you have heard me comment on the differences between brave and foolish. There are two interrelated differences. 'Brave' lives to tell about it. 'Foolish' does not. Also, 'brave' is in the first person - I was brave. 'Foolish' is in the third person - he was foolish.
It would appear that I was brave today. When I am in the field, I get to eat MREs. There is some debate as to the exact meaning of 'MRE.' It is supposed to mean 'meals ready to eat.' Some say it means 'meals refusing to exit.' Some believe that it is 'meals rushing to exit.' Anyway, I have only had the kosher MREs. They are pretty good. When I could eat dairy, the florentine lasagne was delightful. Most of my colleagues like the chicken noodle.
I found a couple of boxes of kosher MRE's in the closet. The thing is that the individual boxes did not look like the ones I know. I could not find a date on them. I copied down all the gobbledygook codes I could find and e-mailed the president of My Own Meals (www.myownmeals.com). We e-mail back and forth from time to time. She was able to tell me that the codes date the packaging to 1993. She also said that they are probably still good, and quipped about whether or not to try one.
I was brave. I tried one. The good news is that I was brave. After 17 years, packaging for MRE's works.
Do not try this at home. I would not.
Shabbat Shalom.
It is Friday afternoon. I have to change clothes for services. I have to say Minchah. I have some other things to do. Naturally, I am typing to you.
I believe it is incumbent on all clergy to assist anyone in seeking that which is holy. I have reached the conclusion though that sometimes this is not a good idea. For example, the sharp piece of metal that made my bicycle tire holy I would rather not have found.
Many of you have heard me comment on the differences between brave and foolish. There are two interrelated differences. 'Brave' lives to tell about it. 'Foolish' does not. Also, 'brave' is in the first person - I was brave. 'Foolish' is in the third person - he was foolish.
It would appear that I was brave today. When I am in the field, I get to eat MREs. There is some debate as to the exact meaning of 'MRE.' It is supposed to mean 'meals ready to eat.' Some say it means 'meals refusing to exit.' Some believe that it is 'meals rushing to exit.' Anyway, I have only had the kosher MREs. They are pretty good. When I could eat dairy, the florentine lasagne was delightful. Most of my colleagues like the chicken noodle.
I found a couple of boxes of kosher MRE's in the closet. The thing is that the individual boxes did not look like the ones I know. I could not find a date on them. I copied down all the gobbledygook codes I could find and e-mailed the president of My Own Meals (www.myownmeals.com). We e-mail back and forth from time to time. She was able to tell me that the codes date the packaging to 1993. She also said that they are probably still good, and quipped about whether or not to try one.
I was brave. I tried one. The good news is that I was brave. After 17 years, packaging for MRE's works.
Do not try this at home. I would not.
Shabbat Shalom.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Good Parenting
Hi all.
There is a young couple currently across the hall from me. She is pregnant. Good for them. For the second time this week, I found her outside having a cancer break (cigarette). I asked about it. She said she is stressed, but would not elaborate.
There are certain habits for which I have zero tolerance. Cancer sticks are one of them. Apparently, I have less than zero tolerance for them in certain cases. I asked the mom to answer the following: when the baby is out, will you place a pillow over its face when you are stressed? The answer, thankfully, was no. She did not answer me though when I asked her why she was doing that now.
It is now time for a sermon. First though, we have a multiple choice question.
When do we become parents?
A. When the baby comes
B. When we find out about the pregnancy
C. When we make the decision to have a baby
If you chose 'A', read on. My answer is 'C'. It is at that point when we must start thinking past our own wants and needs. The pre-natal vitamins must start. Alcohol consumption must drop precipitously. Dimmer switches and cabinet locks must go on the proper places. As well, we must look at a much bigger vision of the future. We must take active steps to be healthy. Bringing a child into the world is the biological part of becoming a parent. Biology is not the only ingredient though.
'B' could be the correct answer also. Not every pregnancy happens with planning.
End of Sermon. We continue now with Ein Ke-lo-heinu on page 167.
There is a young couple currently across the hall from me. She is pregnant. Good for them. For the second time this week, I found her outside having a cancer break (cigarette). I asked about it. She said she is stressed, but would not elaborate.
There are certain habits for which I have zero tolerance. Cancer sticks are one of them. Apparently, I have less than zero tolerance for them in certain cases. I asked the mom to answer the following: when the baby is out, will you place a pillow over its face when you are stressed? The answer, thankfully, was no. She did not answer me though when I asked her why she was doing that now.
It is now time for a sermon. First though, we have a multiple choice question.
When do we become parents?
A. When the baby comes
B. When we find out about the pregnancy
C. When we make the decision to have a baby
If you chose 'A', read on. My answer is 'C'. It is at that point when we must start thinking past our own wants and needs. The pre-natal vitamins must start. Alcohol consumption must drop precipitously. Dimmer switches and cabinet locks must go on the proper places. As well, we must look at a much bigger vision of the future. We must take active steps to be healthy. Bringing a child into the world is the biological part of becoming a parent. Biology is not the only ingredient though.
'B' could be the correct answer also. Not every pregnancy happens with planning.
End of Sermon. We continue now with Ein Ke-lo-heinu on page 167.
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